I have never written so raw and honest than when my heart has been broken. I actually have understood and looked back, after so many times, being cracked open, the pain that has brought me back to my authentic path and brought peaks to my life where I am completely allowing the flood of feelings to move and direct them in forms of words.
It seems that every heart break, treason or deception has allowed me to kill a false self. I have tried, I have suffered, so many times, to be someone that I am not, but in those moments I didn´t see it as clearly as when finally coming out of the darkness and let go.
Because when a break up happens, there is not only the breaking up of a physical, emotional and mental connection with an specific person. There is a death of identity. You stop being someones partner or someone that is represented by that partnership. You start being someones ex, someone thinking for oneself again and brought back to the unknown. You start to know who you have become without the other persons voice or feedback.
Resistance often comes from who you thought you were along with that other person, rather than the break up itself. At least, that has happened to me. I have learned to embrace my independece and my individual path as a priority, rather than what I am creating with this other person. This has brought me to a different kind of freedom and relationship with myself and others. This has forced me to recognize myself as who I really am, instead of expecting recognition from others as I believe I needed.
Energetically speaking, your life force is connected to someone or something else, and when the connection stops, a huge amount of energy stops being fed and reciprocated by this external element, creating a sensation of unwholeness, of void, which naturally, if we don´t understand, we try to avoid at all cost.
Learning about love, about uncondional love, specifically, and mostly, how to understand feeling wholeness without the belief of needing something external, is the gift behind the heart breaks. I believe that if we really decide to work in ourselves, to overcome our continuously old personalities, is the real challenge, but also the greatest of the gifts. Because once we understand our formula, our way to get there, any challenge that we go through, we can alchemize. We can create from.
My creations, an extension of who I was and am in the past and present, are fruit of the saddest I have ever felt. Because I have found myself with nowhere to go, nothing to do, but that. Coming from being somebody to nobody, to being somewhere to nowhere, to ultimately, overcoming my personality, the death of a past self, and the beginning of a newer. Somehow it is when we are the most vulnerable, when this inevitable death of identity happens, that the soul finds an open channel to speak and to be felt.
So, how can we understand the energy released and within ourselves?
- Let it all out. Tears, screaming, yelling. Let everything out, find a space and time to feel, to cry and to accept the emotions that come from this death.
- Take your time. A heartbreak can last for hours, days, weeks, months of years. Either way, the more and more you understand what this has to teach you about you, instead of fighting what is not under your control, the lighter and clearer you will feel.
- Find a creative channel. Whatever it is, either if its music, writing, dancing or excercise, move the energy within you, make space in your physical body, which eventually will bring clarity in your mind and emotions.
The book that saved the seas, was my first conscious creation. I started writing this novel when I was 18 years old, when I felt I didn´t belong in this world. It was inside the dreamworld in my mind and heart that made me feel I belonged to the ocean, merged with the deepest feelings I have felt in my life: witnessing the destruction of it, my home. I started scubadiving when I was 12 years old and experienced the most beautiful things, but also the darkest ones. I have cried and yelled, merging my salty tears with the salty drops 120 feet underwater, and I made a promise to the ocean, my mother, that I would give my life to protect it. I decided I would finish this book after a 7 year relationship break up.
Core Yoga was my other conscious creation. This feeling of not belonging, feeling different, an outcast from society, oblied me to create a yoga brand and yoga space for healing and evolving for people like me. Different, artist, queer, sensitive, weirdos, genious, awkard, in the spectrum of autism, were well received. They thanked me deeply for creating a space like this for them, where art and yoga merged, where everyone was accepted and celebrated as who they were. Where they could, maybe, experience freedom from a different place.
The Crystal´s Game was my third conscious creation. This one came from the darkest wound. I needed to take back my power and decide the narrative in my life. And so I did. I finally explored my free will applied around my past, and the meaning that was supposed to have, in contrast with the one I gave to. By accepting the journey to my darkness, to the void, to the no one, to the nowhere, to the nothing, I found myself and my powers. Now, I was ready to play the game of life, in which the crystalization of this new state of consciousness would be my everyday challenge. I was commited and there was nothing more important than that. I knew I had discovered something important.
How can we start to create a different reality from a heart break?
- See everything as a game. I have learned to see everything in life, the challenges and the celebrations, as a game. This perspective has helped me understand that the opponents, the challengues, are here in this playground to make me grow and to bring more coherence to my life.
- Be open to the unknown. This is one of the most challenging parts, because we love control, and not knowing where we are and where are we heading or with whom, can bring fear and stress, specially if we are conditioned by stories saying that life or happiness looks a specific way.
- Choose your narrative around your challenges. Only you and you have this power over your life, so what appears to be failures can turn into your biggest blessings if you work with your stories.
- Ask yourself, what would your higher self would navigate this challenge? Meditate and connect to your inner wisdom and potentiallity, and use your will to direct your life once more.
All of this suggestions based on my open and now stonger heart, is an invitation for you to put your free will into practice. Whenever you feel low and there is an opportunity to shift this state, start taking action towards it. It could be taking a walk, talking with a friend, spending time by yourself or reading. It is all based on overcoming some one you are not anymore, be consistent when the familiar old self tempts you into comfort, and allowing yourself to experience disconfort without judgment, but surrendering. Because you are literally becoming someone different.
My last relationship also broke my heart. But now I am more consicous that I was the one that chose her, that chose to be in that relationship. I don´t see or perceive myself as a victim no more, as I used to be. Now I question myself, and even if sometimes is hard, I know that answers will come when I focus my energy in giving that life force back to my inside. From my tailbone to the crown, from the crown to the tailbone, from the tailbone back to the heart. I have understood my emotional cycles, more and more, through practice and patience, with the intention of being more responsible for myself, but also to learn how to love, everything, and how to stay in love with life, without the need of something or someone external but me. It is that state of feeling in love, if sustained, that we recognize and understand that that state of love and wholeness was always available for us, with or without a partner.
The Free Will Method was my fourth conscious creation. And I think this one definitely marked a before and after in my own understanding of my own creative process. I was heart broken when I started to write this piece. Not only I understood that books were a gift that life gifted me, to support myself, to work on myself, and to create a life for myself, that I now know that any heart break that might come, will simply make me write more and better. It was in this book in which I decided to create a practical process or method for myself, that had worked for myself, and to share it to the world. It worked. It got be published in the United States and allowed me to design in a more persistent way, the life of my dreams.
So even if I am not scared anymore of loving too hard and getting heartbreak again, I am more focused on from where I make my choices. I can see clearly now that in my past relationships, my decisions have come from a place of fear, even in the most subtles ways. I believe there is always some fear involved in decision making, such as falling in love, but personally when looking back, I have decided to get involved in partnerships precosciously due to fear.
Now I know better. Now I am taking my time. Im acknowleding my value. I am in no rush. I deserve the best because I offer the best. And if a heart breaks is part of it, that is also great. It will be a small death of someone that I will learn to love and grow from: who I am today.
Clarity brings understanding and it comes when emotions settle down and we can see from a neutral perspective. There is a whole chemistry process, from stress to distress, from the sympathetic nervous system releasing cortisol, to the activation of the parasympathetic nervous system releasing melatonin, allowing us to create coherence in our nervous system and energetic engine. I believe, from my personal experience, that we suffer due to feeling trapped inside behavioural patterns coming from beliefs (perspectives on life and situations) and not being able to see our role behind it. It is until we do, that we can decide set ourselves free from it. Which is essentialy, overcoming our old personality.
But before we transmute our pain into something beautiful, it is vital that we step out of the victim mode by blaming others for our suffering, by believing life is hard, unfair and tough and we are being punished. Although drama is part of the process, eventually taking responsability in our healing and in our process is key to actually start using this energy to create something. By deciding to stay angry or mad with the world or a person, is equal to deciding to give your power away, to mantain our life force connected and giving to an external element. It takes courage and determination to focus this pain, this energy, from the inside, from the formless to the form, from the victim to the magician. And this is where your free will comes in play.
Personal reality means personality. Breaking up breaks up also a personal reality. It breaks your personality. It breaks and idea, associated with a feeling and an emotional promise, linked to a sense of security: physically, emotionally and/or mentally. Which I believe, is a big part of the heart break. You are not only losing someone else, but you are losing yourself. So the question comes as following: are you ready to let yourself die completely? Just like a phoenix, rising from the ashes, it is the ashes state, the ideal and only place to start over, not before.
My last and fifth conscious creation until now is my latest book, Embody your Ego. Damn, this one was a good one! I realized I was no longer healing, no longer in pain when I wrote this one, I was merely playing and sharing my processes. I was in the middle of this last heart break, and I didn´t know what other thing to do but to meditate and to overcome matter, to overcome who I thought I was for so long. I didn´t have anything or anyone, I only had myself and my dreams. But now I knew that to create or transform matter, was not going to happen from matter, but from the spiritual and mental. So all I did for around 5 or 6 months was to meditate. Not only I applied my own method, got published, started to co create an artistic residency program in Lake Atitlán, work with great players of the writing and publishing industry in the United States, invited to run writers and yoga retreats in Guatemala and help other writers to get published as well, but finally, to be able to live purely from this, from play.
How do I direct all my emotions and feelings into creating my personality?
- As I said before, getting out of victim mode is key. Until you are fully responsible of your life and your decisions, there will always be something or someone to blame for what happens for you, which is equal to having no power in your life.
- By creating a new personality, you create a new personal reality.
- A personality is made up of everydays thoughts, emotions, feelings, that recurrently and consistently, create a new belief system. This new belief system creates a different perspective in which we experience reality.
- Where your focus is, your attention and energy goes. So if you want to live something differently, a healthy relationship or an amazing job, you become that new person, instead of going to look for it physically only. You focus on the inside first, rather than on the outside. You shut up your physical senses that might be condition for you to keep being your past self, your past personality, who created the personal reality that you are living in the moment. You become a new persona, with different thoughts and beliefs instead.
My last book, Embody your ego, was wrote by my past self that needed to understand deeper about the process that I like to call magic. Why? Because what is happening energetically, magnetically and electrically in our bodies, in our brains and energy fields, is the alchemization, the application of chemistry, the direction of electrical pulses released by our brain, by our pituitary gland, conducted by ourlselves. By our will. We are literally, in its most literal form, creating from within, co creating with the spirit of it all.
So, if you are going to a heart break, it also has its perks, if you choose to see it this way. You can create a new life for yourself, a better one. You can become everything you have ever wanted. Take advantage of this open broken heart, dont fight it, dont judge it, but use it. What else would you do instead?